When I was a young lad in the late 80s to early 90s my mother wouldn’t allow me to watch ‘bad men films’ such as Terminator or Rambo and I grew up having missed out on a generation of greatness. Kinda depressing during conversations when people say things like ‘Remember that bit in Commando where…?’ or ‘This is just like that bit in Rocky’. Arnie and Stallone were considered Gods in my school, and I sat there as an action film atheist watching my copy of ‘The Land Before Time’ over and over again.
Mmmm, dat cartoon violence!
Since then I had unintentionally avoided action films and embraced comedys almost exclusively my entire life until last year, when a friend almost disowned me for being such a ‘little bitch’ and insisted I schooled myself. He gave me a list of Arnie and Stallone films, and I proceeded watch Rambo, Terminator and Commando.
Such apocalyptically so shit-they’re-great-lines made me realise that my love for pure cheese and over emphasised manliness had missed a lot of good stuff. So I watched Bullet to the Head last night in an attempt to feel like the cool kids in my school and though it has a terrible script and a terrible plot, I haven’t been so happy to watch a shit film in years.
*Spoiler time hombre.*
It’s probably fair to say that judging a film like this in the normal way is unfair, as it is intentionally or at last somewhat aware that it is targeting every part of the human brain that has absolutely nothing to do with logic, class or sense. Bring Richard Dawkins and Jesus into a cinema and once they’ve stopped bickering you stick on a film about revenge, car chases, explosions, naked breasts, and shoot outs and you’ll probably see them exchanging numbers on the way out, planning a date to see the next Expendables.
The whole film starts off with Stallone’s hitman-for-hire character ‘Bobo’ ruthlessly murdering some sweet innocent chauvinistic, drug addict in his own hotel room, without even giving the poor man a chance to sexually abuse the prostitute that he paid good money/drugs for. It’s in this instance that you’re shown that Bobo’s character isn’t the total dick you’d expect as he avoids shooting the hooker in the face despite her having witnessed everything.
Even though you would have loved that wouldn’t you? You are a horrible person.
Afterwards Bobo and Louis, played by the disposable Jon Seda, nip into a bar to drink alcohol, listen to music and to avoid being murdered. Except Louis, he gets murdered… by a guy whose life seems to be about trying to look like Antonio Banderas. This all causes a rampage of sorts.
Bobo teams up with a cop who is looking into the case and continues his life as a hitman, almost literally dragging the cop behind him, like he’s just there to show how Stallone doesn’t like police officers. He genuinely points out how he could kill him with a bit of an apple. Lots of shouting, shooting and kidnapping later it goes proper Total Recall and everyone gets mutilated one way or another.
It really is appallingly watchable and even though the bit of me that likes to read poetry and Charles Dickens hates the rest of me, watching Stallone have an axe fight and shoot people in the head makes that part of my brain turn off. A bit like a wife saying ‘If you’re gonna act stupid I’m going to bed’. The shoot outs and fight choreography are great, the lines are cheesy and make you laugh and wince at the same time. I think Stallone’s character has the most longevity since Rocky and Rambo and the whole film makes you feel like you’ve been mugged but ended up with more money and phones than you started with.
I’d recommend it to anyone who has a blu ray player, a Tv and at least one eyeball. Cycloptic viewers et al should find something in this film to enjoy, or as in my case startle you and make your rectum jump into your mouth until you are crying brown shitty tears and look like a novelty chocolate fountain. Right, I better go watch Last Action Hero.
David Roberts, CeX Ann Street, Belfast
Bullet to the Head at CeX
