Friday, 13 September 2013

Spring Breakers

Spring Breakers just out on blu-ray and dvd.  It’s a film. It’s terrible and if anyone tries to hand you a copy break their hands in half and slap them with it.


This is one of the worst things I have ever seen it was so bad, I didn’t know whether to kick my television to the ground or start self harming until my eyes went blurry.  It’s such a crime against humanity that I’d rather be standing in a Syrian playground taking deep breaths and destroying my gas mask with the skull of a sibling.  The trailer is misleading and beyond trashy, I believe the trailer actually won ‘most sleazy trailer of the year’ award or something to that effect.  The poster for the film was quite simply eight breasts and one tit, namely James Franco, anyone who knows me knows I hate James Franco anyway, but he really seemed to be portraying an accurate depiction of how I imagine him to be in real life.
 


The film opens at a party during a spring break party, infamously a testosterone and oestrogen sandwich with a side of gonorrhea and cocaine coleslaw. It segues quickly to a handful of girls back at college. Faith (Selena Gomez) Brittany (Ashley Benson), Candy (Vanessa Hudgens) and Cotty (Rachel Korine) are friends in college all set on having ‘the best Spring Break ever bitches!’.  Three of them are illustrated as pure party girls but Faith is a good christian girl who..oh no wait she’s in a church but she’s bored, she’s just slightly less successful at partying like a crazy bitch.

 Promotional posters aren't subtle, they're trying to hide a cold turkey.
 
Seeing as at least half of the group are (in real life world) arguably ‘child stars’ this film is their first step towards ‘breaking that squeaky-clean image’ so I give it a year before each of them end up on Perez Hiltons website after being caught snorting opiates off the road outside the Viper Room.
 
The plot evolves to the point where the girls suddenly realise they have saved up just enough money for absolutely bugger all and Brittany, Candy and Cotty rob a restaurant at gun point and they all travel to sandy beaches for spring break, with very little repercussion for their actions.  A sleazy rapper who is really popular despite being physically repulsive, creating music that can only be described as aural-rape and sporting the name Alien bails them out’ve jail after they get caught with drugs.  Faith finds this odd and goes home.  And that’s the end of her part.  She struggles to get here for spring break, yaps about how much she hates her life and whatnot and goes home becoming less important to the films plot-line than the bowl of Weetos I was eating while watching it.  Eventually another one of the girls goes home but I can’t remember which now because the film was causing me to go deaf and slightly blind as a defensive mechanism.

This leaves two girls that end up in a polygamous relationship with Franco after forcing him to perform fellatio on a live firearm.  The climax of the film has something to do with a big gun battle where Franco gets taken out immediately despite being the focal point of the film and the girls don’t get hit once and successfully murder everyone despite wearing nothing but a bikini and a bright pink balaclava.


One last thing the whole film for some reason is peppered with the same audio clip of someone saying ‘Spring break bitches’ over and over again. The only thing I can imagine that would make anyone think this was a good idea was someone who could profit from this film failing horribly at the box office.
 
The best thing about this Blu-ray is it has a ‘Go to main menu’ button that can make the film go away whenever you want it, and the box is great because it probably has your receipt in it, meaning you could probably return it.
 
This film is suitable for one kind of person, old lonely chronic masturbators with absolutely no internet access and not enough will power to kill themselves.  A niche target audience but a demographic I would’ve overlooked personally.  Anyway in short, this disc is worth more as a pretend dance floor for gummy bears than a film.

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