Monday, 3 February 2014


Out on Blu-ray this month is the biopic of Linda Lovelace the first 'proper' porn star, famous for her role in 'Deepthroat' (nothing to do with Richard Nixon probably) and her terrible life that revolved around her boyfriend at the time encouraging her to do things she doesn't want to do with emotional blackmail and by putting a gun in her face.

The film starts like a much darker version of Footloose, where an oppressive religious family tighten the reigns too much on their daughter who goes a bit off the rails in rebellion after having been pregnant as a youth. One day while out at a roller disco like everyone else in the 1970s Linda finds herself entranced by a man named Chuck, being played by the evil twin brother of Hyde from that 70s show. Linda and her friend talk themselves into acting as go-go dancers for the band that are playing at the time, shaking their booty and whatnot as dictated by KC and the sunshine band et al.. Chuck does a perfectly normal thing for a creepy stalking sadist and waits for the two young girls outside.

They take a trip to the beach in the middle of the night and Linda concerned that she is a 'drag' finds herself easily seduced by the charming, absolutely definite rapist that is Chuck, but broken hearts and low-self esteem can apparently be easily mended by rapey-glue, which I suppose is semen mixed with cocaine and things progress.

At an almost montage rate she invites Chuck to her house for dinner, gets slapped by her mum for being late, gets married to Chuck and moves out. In their honeymoon suite, Chuck talks Linda through the more experimental arts of sexual performance, which mainly involves stirring her stomach contents with his penis. He gets arrested for some vague reason and encourages his blushing bride to bail him out and then throws a shit fit and moans about money.

It's at this moment you realise he might be a triumphant terrible bastard, as our beautiful Linda, who I appear to be falling in love with more and more as I type, suddenly ends up auditioning for a porn film. She even gets the part by using the traditional interview trick of showing a home video of her ingesting a phallus. I'm not 100% sure but I think that's how I got this job writing reviews. 

The film, in which she is starring in, as Linda Lovelace, is the infamous 'Deepthroat', which is being financed by Mr. Big from Sex in the City. Screeeeeeech, hold up, re-rewind. 

It's at this point that the veil is lifted and you see a few of the early scenes in context which moves Chuck from being a creepy guy to a confirmed scumbag, raping Linda on their wedding night, knocking fifty shades of gray out of her and literally selling her into a gang rape at gun point in a seedy hotel. No Bueno.

Chuck, you may decide, needs a dose of your sawing arm on his soft parts. You'd be correct, as he has been writing her autobiography for her, making it sound like she loves nothing more than a Chuck Fuck, and selling sex toys under her name. Relying on him to 'handle her finances' and making sure she has absolutely no freedom. Mix in the world of terror that is her mother insisting 'she stands by her man' due to the marriage vows, basically saying it was her fault that she got a raping.

Hugh Hefner is a sleazy rapist as well, everyone pretty much is except Mr. Big, he’s just a business man with a hint of sleaze, but he starts flexing his sawing arm and whips Chuck within an inch of his life with a belt as punishment for what he did to poor lovely Linda Lovelace. It then shows everything works out okay for her and she is completely happy in her new life, *spoilers*, until she gets hepatitis from a blood transfusion and dies. 

So Lovelace is dark, depressing and sobering and I’d be surprised if you could even successfully complete a wank over the film Deepthroat again after watching it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep with my girlfriend ever again… even if she was still alive and not slowly decaying in my chest freezer. Aw well. Goodnight.

Dave Roberts

Lovelace at CeX

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