Sunday, 9 March 2014

R.I.P.D

A slightly mediocre version of Men in Black going by the name of RIPD has just been curled out onto your shelves and it’s, well, it’s better than everyone seems to say but isn’t gonna make you wanna be a part of it in the same that MIB did. Based on the comic of the same name, The Rest In Peace Department follows dead dirty cops who’re placed in purgatory, forced into solving supernatural cases to earn their way into heaven.


The film starts off with a voice over and a lot of that “That’s not me” “Nor that either” nonsense. Now maybe I’m just judgmental but I’m of the opinion that you’re not allowed to do self-aware narration unless you’re in a Noir or Neo-Noir film and with every massive monster appearing on screen and phrases like “That’s not me” accompanying it, all I can do is laugh sarcastically. Ryan Reynolds we know that’s not you, we recognise your voice and we know what your fucking face looks like.  It looks like it’s been carved out of angel wood and crafted by Elves; you are a famously beautiful man, not a monster rolling around on screen like a condom full of coffee.


Ryan Reynolds and Kevin Bacon are a team, buddies, great mates and cheeky men. They, as policemen, have apparently stolen loads of gold from a drug bust. Reynolds, also Deadpool from Wolverine Origins, decides to use his to provide a better life for his outstanding girlfriend/wife or whatever.  After a conversation with his girlfriend/wife or whatever, who essentially says “I love that you don’t steal gold and hide it in the garden and all I need to be happy is you”, he shares his reservations with Kevin Bacon. They go out on a wee raid somewhere and of course Ryan Hardy (Bacon) from The Following shoots Van Wilder (Reynolds) in the face and he falls to his death.  Which is where the movie really begins.

So it turns out that Hal Jordan (Reynolds) from the Green Lantern has been a bad man in the eyes of the flying spaghetti monster what with stealing that gold, and as penance is assigned a job in the RIPD so he can rock out in heaven with loads of nuns and probably very few priests and no good music.

Jeff Bridges plays Yasemitie Sam, and is the ‘disobedient’ lone wolf who “don’t need no pardner” and instantly gets “pardnered” up with Reynolds.  After this it RIPD sort of becomes predictable and completely odd at the same time; monsters are allergic to cumin and can’t maintain their disguises as human beings, can only be killed by magic bullets that glow like human souls, and are remarkably elusive.  Furthermore it turns out all the gold is going to be used to create some sort of apocalypse to bring people back from the dead, which I’m fairly sure that’s what Jesus was gonna do, and that’s blasphemous.


I’m on my third cup of coffee trying to think of something interesting to say about this film, maybe giving up smoking and sugar in the same week was a terrible idea and I’ve suddenly lost all creativity and am now shit at life, but it’s more likely that tis film was one of those ‘Meh’ films that just doesn’t elicit any particular feeling.  The action scenes are good, and it all feels very video game-esque, some of the CGI is a bit wank but ultimately it gets an absolutely earth shattering ‘OK’ rating from me. Six Six Six.

RIPD gets a 3/5, []

David Roberts


The Heat at CeX



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