Saturday, 26 July 2014

Endless Love

Does anyone out there have a Blu-ray player or a DVD player and want to watch a film so self indulgent and wrapped up in its own sugary sweetness that I missed two thirds of it because of the insulin I had to inject into my retinas? That’s a diabetes reference. I can’t even return the film because I had to have my foot amputated after about forty-five minutes. Endless Love stars Gabriella Wilde and Alex Petyfer as Jade Butterfield and David Elliot respectively, two love struck teenagers, so deeply and terrifyingly in love that it very literally causes a house to burn down at some point.


When I was younger I fell in love with a girl, a girl I wrote songs about, wrote stories about, wrote letters for, designed websites for and deeply cared for. We planned to get married, to run away as soon one of us could drive and to have children together when we were in our mid thirties. We dreamed of spending hours lying on foreign beaches just existing together, loving each other, absorbing the essence of Europe and discovering and living life the way it was supposed to be lived. Unfortunately after about a week and a half she ran off with many other men and I was left weeping uncontrollably in the street, confused and heart broken, too embarrassed to go home and ultimately cursed to live this experience again and again. Sure the girls are different, they range in various degrees of cruel and vindictive and naive and uneducated. Les Salopes eventually destroyed any belief I had in a soul mate and it’s fair to say that believing in such a thing is as much of a waste of energy as Santa, the tooth fairy, Jesus Christ, and a ‘good day at work’.


This film takes the Syd and Nancy-esque relationship that David and Jade had in the book of the same name and does a candy-striped multi coloured sugar coated turd all over it. In the book David burns down Jade’s house in a micro-rage, the relationship they had was tumultuous, interesting, life affirming and gripping. The film less so, everything is perfect the whole way through, beautifully polished and perfectly crafted. That may sound good, but imagine Michelangelo’s David, it probably has some flaws or embellishments that make it inaccurate but more beautiful. A massive cube of marble, there’s not a lot wrong with that, but it’s not particularly interesting either, it doesn’t even have tiny shrivelled genitalia to laugh at. At least the Mr. Men had faces. Boy + girl + disapproving parent = grumpy remorseful dad and a happy ever after story. There’s really nothing to it at all, they get together they break up, they get back together, you adopt seven cats and eat a big cake.

The thing that strikes me as particularly odd, and I hope this doesn’t spoil it for anyone, is a small ‘vomit-uncontrollably-from-cheesy-dialogue and you’ll miss it line’ at the end that implies that though the title of the film is endless love, and after various trials and tribulations they end up together because that’s what fate wants, Jade pretty much says that it didn’t last; that the whole film was a waste of my time, having watched it. It also drew a big picture of a penis during the end credits with “That’s you that is” and an arrow pointed to the bell-end. It made me quite sad.


So, though I had to stop watching it and do other things twice in the middle, here is the embarrassing bit – I nearly wept every few minutes while watching this film, not because it was good I hope you understand, but because I am easily drawn in by overly romantic, soppy nonsense and that is exactly what this is. Please don’t buy this, I’m not saying it’s good, and if you don’t watch it you can’t judge me.

Yea fuck it, it was shit, 2/5.

[★★☆☆☆]

Dave Roberts


Endless Love at CeX


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