Friday, 21 November 2014


Everyone knows children are shit at acting, painting, singing and all those other things. Not all children obviously, but your children definitely are, and yet you find yourself putting everything you’ve got into seeing the positive in their creations and you fool yourself into thinking you’ve enjoyed them no matter how relentlessly terrible you know their performances to be. This is exactly how I felt watching Kite, except I have no biological programming or emotional investment that makes me think this. Starring Samuel L. Jackson and India Eisley and out now on Blu-Ray and DVD is Kite, dystopian film based on the anime of the same name, which is two parts Hannah and one part Frankenstein. Which in case you didn’t get the reference, is highlighted by some terrible dialogue at some point.

The film is set in a future where the banks have crashed and the good guys are only considered to be good because they aren’t as bad as the bad guys. It begins with a bad man bringing a young beautiful girl to be sold on as a prostitute, and probably to harvest organs from and forced to work in a second-hand shop for minimum wage, which is a fate worse than being harvested. The young girl has bright pink hair and a gun in her purse with exploding bullets which causes the would-be harvester to give birth to his brains out of his face. The young girl is Sawa, a drugged up semi-super hero with a vengeance for the murderer of her her parents. Sawa is played by India Eisley, and is not played by Jamie King like I had thought, which probably would’ve led to this film being banned and my computer being seized by the police.

It comes to light quite quickly that Sawa is off her tits on some drug called Amp that causes her to be brave, strong and efficient in her fighting style while also, unfortunately, leaving her memory substantially missing. Which is exactly the same as what alcohol makes you think you are achieving while making you just increasingly less socially desirable and capable.

Samuel L Jackson is in this film and proves an interesting point. A great actor can seem like a shit actor with a terrible script. The music, which is awesome, is used very rarely and not well. The script is like a fine wine; probably cost a lot more to make than it’s ever going to be worth. Samuel L. Jackson is Sawa’s protector and father figure, ensuring she stays on Amp, kills the right people and doesn’t get caught.

Sawa does some violent sexy moves and kills many bad men. The sudden introduction of a guy called El Plot-Twisto gives the film a reason to end but ultimately the film felt bland, gray and under worked. It could have been great, as there were so many amazing elements to it. I looked at it like a child’s drawing that I was hanging up on the fridge, because as much as I tried to like it, I had to face up to the fact that, well, it just isn't that great.

I give the oddly named Kite 2/5.


Dave Roberts

Kite at CeX

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