Saturday, 30 May 2015

Avengers Grimm

The motherf*cking Asylum, dude. The Asylum are the film studio who basically make "mockbusters"; rip-offs of blockbusters both in name and plot. Essentially, the Asylum either make all their money from people who buy their films because “they're so bad they're good”, or because they basically end confusing a customer. I can imagine it now- a mother going into a shop to buy little Billy a copy of Transformers, but getting confused and coming out with a copy of Transmorphers. Both are about sentient robots that can turn into vehicles, and going by the cover art alone on the DVD, I wouldn't blame anyone for making the mistake of choosing it over Transformers. Now the latest film by the Aslyum is out, and it's not just a rip-off of a Disney franchise, but it also makes use of other elements Disney is widely known for.


Directed by Jeremy M. Inman and out now on Blu-Ray and DVD comes Avengers Grimm, a film that makes most of the rest of the Asylums output look Oscar worthy. Both in name and in some parts of the plot, this is Asylums take on The Avengers as well as the Disney princesses. Granted the Disney princesses aren't exactly property of Disney, but they're still something you associate with the company. Avengers Grimm begins in a magical realm, a world in which Rumpelstilskin wants to wreck shit up. However, he figures he has more of a chance in our world, as over here his magic would literally be unstoppable. But after coming through to our world, oul' Rumpel didn't count on Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel and Red Riding Hood trying to stop him. Though Rumpelstilskin has the Big Bad Wolf and a metal Lou Ferrigno on his team, ain't nothing going to stop the girls from kicking his ass. The story is actually kind of OK in a shitty b-movie way, the problem is everything beyond that.


OK, before I get into bashing Avengers Grimm, lets just put it out there that I know it's not high art. I know this. In fact, even the Asylum know what kind of films they're making here. They're making cheap fluff, films that are more parody than serious. It's not going to win an Oscar any time soon, and that's fine. I love films that are so-bad-they're-good, but Avengers Grimm is just plain bad. The worst part about it all are the performances. The film stars two actors you probably know about, with the rest of the cast being largely unknown. Casper Van Dien aka “the guy who was once in Starship Troopers” plays Rumpelstilskin, while Lou Ferrigno aka “the Hulk” plays Iron John. If you look at the poster for the film it's clear that the Asylum are trying to sell it purely based on their names. I get Iron Man selling on Robert Downey Jr's name alone or whatever, but I don't think anyone ever said, “oh boy, Casper Van Dien is in this!!”. Regardless, while both Van Dien and Ferrigno do a pretty shit job, everyone else is painfully terrible. The cast comes across like they're reading lines from a cue card, over act to compensate for a lack of talent and generally look like they're dead inside for having to be in this film. The main selection of women in Avengers Grimm are clearly just here for eye candy too, as you'd literally find more substance and caricaturisation in a packet of Quavers.

The visuals of the film aren't much better either, mind you. Though the sets are completely mediocre and cheap looking, there are times in which the film-makers use CGI to cobble together various bits and pieces to create one scene or location. These parts of the film are genuinely laughably bad, as they look like they were done by some dude in his underwear on MS Paint on Window ME, surrounded by a sea of Thor comics, week old ramen and Japanese body pillows. Avengers Grimm just looks god awful in every way conceivable.


Overall Avengers Grimm is a bad film, but it's in no way as watchable as some of the Asylum's previous efforts. I watched Atlantic Rim and The Terminators and had a laugh. When watching Avengers Grimm I just wanted for it to be over. Only pick it up if you're a masochist.

Avengers Grimm is as grim as it gets with a 1/5.

★☆☆☆☆

Denis Murphy


Avengers Grimm at CeX


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