I’m going to start this article by saying I am completely against all things Fifty Shades. I’ll admit, I haven’t read the books (because, y’know, I have self-respect) but the idea of women swooning over a depraved, sadistic pervert just because he has a few quid in the bank and a nice body makes my blood boil. However, I went into the film with my bias left at the door, hoping to come out with a fresh understanding of the characters and story and maybe a bit of respect. I came out the same way I went in. What a load of shit.
Directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson and out now on DVD & Blu-Ray comes Fifty Shades of Grey. We all know the plot, whether we like it or not - young college graduate Anastasia meets pervert millionaire Christian Grey and they begin an increasingly kinky sexual relationship together. Does this preposterous story translate well to screen? Of course it doesn’t. I’ll break the film down for you. You ready? Here goes. Girl bites lip. Girl meets rich pervert. Girl bites lip. Rich pervert shags girl. Girl bites lip. Rich pervert shags girl more aggressively. Girl bites lip. Rich pervert shags girl even more aggressively. Girl bites lip. Rich pervert shags girl aggressively again, then spanks her a bit. Girl cries and runs away. END. Yeah, there are attempts to inject a bit of story – oh, Christian Grey is troubled, he had a bad childhood; a perfectly valid excuse for what he does. And do you like legal contracts? Great! Who doesn’t? You’ll love this. Many scenes are dedicated to everyone’s favourite sex pest discussing a written contract of his sexual desires with his ‘submissive’. Ever wanted to watch a scene with a business meeting agenda that includes talk of fisting and genital clamps? Look no further.
Dakota Johnson, daughter of Miami Vice legend Don Johnson, is good. I’ll give her that. She’s the strongest thing about the film by far, delivering an adequate performance as Anastasia which is more about the bravery of taking part in the semi-graphic sex scenes than actual acting talent. She struggles to find any chemistry with her co-star, although that could be due to how bad he is. Jamie Dornan is wooden and uncomfortable to watch as Grey, but you fans don’t care, do you? Look at his eyes and his abs. At the end of the day, you’re here for the sex, aren’t you? Sure, the film is more sexually graphic than your average mainstream blockbuster but at the end of the day, it’s still a Hollywood affair. Quick editing and clever cinematography merely implies dirty stuff is going on most of the time, although we do see plenty of breasts and arses. On the whole though, Fifty Shades of Grey is far tamer than people would have you believe.
But even after watching the film, I still can’t get my head around the appeal of this mega pervert. After talking to my mother who loves the books and will defend the story till the cows come home, she claims I need to read the books to truly understand the characters. Whilst the film is made for the fans, it should stand on its own. If the book truly is as better as people are trying to tell me, then that’s just another negative for the film. On top of everything, it’s a weak adaptation of the source material. Regardless, I doubt there’s much in the book that can change my mind about this ridiculous story and preposterously undeserving icon of romantic literature that is Christian Grey.
On the whole, Fifty Shades of Grey is an instantly forgettable and poorly made film about a vile character. Ladies, why are you so blind to how wildly unacceptable Christian Grey is? He’s an aggressive, controlling, borderline-stalker! Oh yeah, he’s rich and handsome. Sorry, I forgot. Take away his riches and looks, though? Still love him? No. He’s just a pervert. Fifty Shades of Grey is a dreadful piece of cinema; nothing more than a badly produced piece of softcore pornography. It is a poorly acted, poorly paced and poorly written load of Hollywoodised tripe. Guys, if your girlfriend or wife has any interest in this shit, you’re doing something wrong. I don’t even have the motivation to think of a witty, pun-filled review closer for this absolute toss.
Fifty Shades of Grey is everything that is wrong with today’s society, and just about earns 1/5.
★☆☆☆☆
Sam Love
Fifty Shades of Grey at CeX
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