Friday, 18 December 2015

The Three Best Star Wars Games Never Made

Da-da-da da daaaaaa, da-da-da-DAAAA Daa. Da-da-da- DAAAA da. Dum-dum-dum duuuuum!

That is, of course, the Star Wars theme. I know you'd like me to type out the whole thing but, sorry, I'm working to a word count. I'm here to talk about Star Wars games. The best ones? No, that's for another one of our chaps to do! I'd like to talk about the best Star Wars games... that don't exist. There are a lot of those, so it was hard to narrow it down to just three; but this is what I've come up with. If you disagree, put your thoughts on the back of a postcard. And then feed it to a womp rat for all I care. 


1.Han Solo Simulator



It wouldn't actually be called 'Han Solo Simulator', but that's what it would damn well be. It could be pretty damn epic, as there's a gargantuan amount of detail to his life before, during, and after the movies (though you have to wade through approximately eight gazillion comics and books to find it). For example there are, ironically, several other Solos. Yes, of course there's the awesome prospect of whizzing about the galaxy in the Millenium Falcon with Chewie by your side, whipping out your blaster (not a euphemism) at every opportunity. You could also, of course, act out iconic scenes from the movies. Greedo shot first? Like fuck he did.

Han's no goody-two-shoes, either. He's a frickin' smuggler for Kenobi's sake! He regularly smuggled drugs, in fact. Hmm, I'm starting to come over to the Empire's side on this. Anyway, imagine raising big funds fast by smuggling contraband through the universe, either stealthily avoiding patrols or simply blowing the crap out of everything between you and your destination. Perhaps you could even let the Rebels get on with it, and never get involved; just gleefully work for intergalactic criminals and blow the money drinking Meltdown and hiring whores with sixteen elbows. I know it's probably never going to happen, but... “Never tell me the odds!”.

2.Ultimate Speeder Bike Game



Look, I never said I'd give you half-decent game names – just half-decent ideas! Speeder bikes have featured in many a Star Wars game, even the latest Battlefront. There's also that Battle Pods arcade game that concentrates on Star Wars vehicles. Never before, though, have we had a game that concentrates solely on the thrilling/death-inviting speeder bikes (cue some die-hard fan correcting me). We need one!

Naturally, you'd have to race the things through the forests of Endor, constantly smashing into trees. They'd be great for the desert wastes of Tatooine though, allowing you to reach top shit-inducing speeds while trying to murder fellow bikers. It would be something like Star Wars Episode 1: Racer (which was actually pretty good) but even faster, even more terrifying, and with a lot more death and destruction. With the narrow widths of the bikes and the processing power of today's gaming machines, you could have races/battles involving dozens of speeder bikes travelling only slightly slower than necessary for hyperspace. Just imagine!


3.Big Fuck-Off Jedi Battles



Okay, maybe I can come up with one good name for a Star Wars game. The idea behind this is that, while there are a lot of brilliant Star Wars games (and about three times as many shit ones), there hasn't yet been one that does it right. It is the feeling of actually, really, truly being a Jedi fighting other Jedi. You'd have a lightsaber and awesome Jedi powers, but you wouldn't be neutered so that lesser beings had a chance against you. You wouldn't be facing enemies inexplicably more powerful than you, either. Allies and enemies alike would be evenly matched, because everybody would be an awesome Jedi.

You could have a blaster for variety – maybe even a few thermal detonators – but really it would be all about the lightsabers, and the Force Push, and the Force Choke, and the Force Stealth, and the Force Make You Feel Like You Stubbed Your Toe On The Corner Of The Sofa, and so on. The jumps, the cartwheels, the whole Jedi thing. Don't try telling me you don't want that. Thanks to the prequels, there's an extended list of Jedi and Sith to be, too. Including Samuel L Jackson! That guy playing a Jedi... that was the untouchable event horizon of cool. Maybe they could even create a new Jedi role for John Travolta.

You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Coruscant?


Luke Kemp



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