Monday 5 March 2018

Geostorm ★☆☆☆☆

Geostorm? More like Geo-yawn!

When the long-delayed Geostorm hit theatres last year, it’s safe to say it didn’t receive the warmest of receptions from critics. The weather-based disaster flick was even widely regarded as the worst film of the year; quite the accolade when one considers it was up against the US adaptation of Death Note and The Emoji Movie.

Yet being the ethical journalists that we are, we’ve ignored these previous lambastings to give you our hot take so you, dear reader, can finally know whether Geostorm is a wild typhoon ride or a soggy puddle of disappointed tears.

The Good

Credit where credit’s due, Geostorm does have a morsel of a good premise behind it. The concept of weather manipulating satellites is closer to fact than fiction and it’s fun, if a little terrifying, to think of what might happen if such a system of satellites went wrong. The prospect of 100 foot tidal waves, lava spewing volcanoes and hurricanes the size of your mum is tantalising enough to tempt even the most ardent cinephile.

Likewise, if you’re semi-illiterate or just looking for something to stick on in the background that you don’t have to pay much attention to, you’ll enjoy going along for the ride. But only barely.

The Bad

Now I’ve managed to blag some tenuous positives, it’s time to dive into Geostorm’s preposterously glaring problems, tantamount of which is that it’s a disaster movie that shows very little disaster. Despite what this review might suggest, I’m not a film snob and can derive plenty of enjoyment from on-screen wanton destruction, even at the expense of an interesting plot. I’m afraid to say Geostorm offers neither, with it focusing more on disaster prevention rather than the disaster itself. 

What’s more, Gerard Butler’s lead role as the belligerent, alpha male scientist, responsible for the satellite program that inadvertently causes the potential geostorm is not relatable or endearing in any way. Indeed, Ed Harris’ portrayal of the antagonist is the only engaging character in the entire film, not exactly what I imagine director Dean Devlin was going for.

Ultimately there’s a mire of dumb-but-enjoyable disaster flicks out there (The Day After Tomorrow and Independence Day spring to mind), and unfortunately, Geostorm simply can’t hold a candle to them.

The Verdict

I’m afraid to report that Geostorm is in fact as bad as the critics say. It doesn’t even fit the ‘so bad it’s good’ category, committing the cardinal sin of an action film - it’s dreadfully boring. If it wasn’t for the absolutely heinous 2017 adaption of Death Note, it would proudly sit as the worst film of the year.


Sir Thomas Baker

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