Tuesday, 4 September 2018

Peter Rabbit ☆☆☆☆☆

In the same year that brought us Coco, one of the best ‘kids’ films in years, we were punished with this. I don’t know what we did to deserve it – maybe it was the fault of just one person, who desecrated an ancient burial ground or something – but for some reason, I cannot fathom, the powers that be gave us a new Peter Rabbit film. We didn’t ask for it. We didn’t want it. But, it happened. And it made millions, so we’re going to get another one. Own up. Who desecrated the burial ground? Who did this to us?

Yes, 2018 was going just fine until this abomination of a film reared its ugly head. Now I’ll admit, I’m not particularly high-brow when it comes to my so-called kids’ films. I love Disney, sure. But I also thought The Boss Baby was a masterpiece. What can I say, I’m a sick man. But Peter Rabbit…To use the parlance of our times – “I can’t even”.

First of all, who on Earth thought it was a good idea to give vocal duties to James Corden?! I’ve got nothing to say on this matter, besides of course the fact this was one of the worst choices in the history of the world ever. James f***ing Corden? As Peter Rabbit?! What next, Michael McIntyre as Bagpuss?! This choice alone was enough to disgust me and turn me off the idea of the film. But the casting was only the beginning of their mistakes.

Before I begin listing other reasons I hated the film, I’ll just say that the animation was stunning. Absolutely stunning. I cannot find fault with the visuals of the film – I’ve never been quite so convinced that these talking little animals in jackets were real. Speaking of their little jackets, they all looked great. I particularly liked the little chubby one. I think he was Benjamin Bunny, but I don’t bloody know, I didn’t have a clue what was going on for most of the film. I’m not going to get into the allergy controversy, but that bit didn’t leave a particularly good taste in the mouth either. 

Therein lies one of the film’s faults. While films like Disney’s Coco are pleasant, smooth viewing experiences with lots of heart and mature storytelling, Peter Rabbit decided to throw those concepts on the floor and shit on them, opting instead for a sugar-rush 90 minutes that bounced all over the place like Peter Rabbit’s 1980s cocaine-fuelled Miami adventures (now there’s a film I’d watch). The film was utterly exhausting! Working in a cinema, I saw the smiling children leaving the auditorium filled with joy, but I didn’t see one smiling parent. They forced a smile as they left the venue, thanking me, but I could see that behind their eyes they were saying “Kill me”. I wanted to help them, but what could I do?

All in all, Peter Rabbit was a disgrace. Yes, he may be a cute little chap, but then he opens his mouth and sounds like James Corden. Then he chucks blackberries at a bloke who’s allergic to blackberries. This is not the Peter Rabbit I grew up with. This Peter Rabbit is a dickhead. If you’ve got kids, then I’m sure they’ll absolutely love this. It’s like being in the mind of a tiny child for 90minutes. But if you want something even resembling quality, steer clear of Peter Rabbit. This is a big middle finger to Beatrix Potter, and a big middle finger to us too. Avoid.

Sam Love

Peter Rabbit at CeX

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