Tuesday 4 December 2018

Skyscraper ★☆☆☆☆

For every piece of truly original cinema, there’s a thinly veiled remake. Skyscraper is basically what would happen if The Towering Inferno and Die Hard had a baby, then gave the baby up for adoption because they couldn’t support it, and it got passed from adoption centre to adoption centre because nobody wanted it, then it escaped and entered a life of drugs and alcohol. Yes, this is a pissed-up smackhead child of The Towering Inferno and Die Hard. Starring The Rock. Want to know more? Read on…

The Rock plays Will Sawyer, an ex-FBI Hostage Rescue Team leader and war veteran who now assesses skyscraper security. On assignment in Hong Kong, he finds the tallest and supposedly safest building in the world on fire and he’s framed for it. On the run, he must clear his name and also infiltrate this blazing building and rescue his family who are trapped 225 floors up, above the fire-line. Oh, and there’s some terrorists in the building being arseholes and a conspiracy as to who really started the fire and…I don’t know, I lost interest pretty quickly. Let’s face it, the only reason people watched Skyscraper was to see if The Rock made that hugely-discussed jump from the poster. In order to make the jump, The Rock would’ve had to run and leave the crane at 28.4mph – beating Usain Bolt’s fastest recorded speed of 27.4mph…Spoiler alert, he makes it. The Rock is faster than Usain Bolt in the world of Skyscraper.

Skyscraper is not a good film. Sure, it’s got some relatively exciting – and wholly mindless – set-pieces, but if you’ve ever seen an action film before, you’ve seen everything this film has to offer already. There’s nothing innovative or exciting and the special effects are often mediocre, while plot-holes and a general lack of depth or character development means there’s very little at stake and not much excitement to be had. The only talking point within Skyscraper is the fact that The Rock’s character only has one leg. I think this is probably one of the first times a blockbuster hero has been disabled in any way, so that’s pretty #woke. But honestly, it’s only really to assist in moments of suspense – like when The Rock falls off a building and gets his foot caught on rope, which saves him…But it’s his false leg and it starts to come off and ahhhhhhh, suspense suspense suspense. But hell, the fact a one-legged Rock can run faster than Usain Bolt in this fantasy world is pretty great. Imagine how fast he could run with both his legs.

Skyscraper just felt empty and tedious. Pretty unsurprising when you realise that the director, the very Hollywood-sounding Rawson Marshall Thurber, also directed Dodgeball and We’re The Millers. Hardly an expert in blockbuster action. But hey, we’ve all got to start somewhere, right? It just so happens he started with shit. All Skyscraper-slamming aside, I love The Rock. He’s one of the purest and most wholesome people in Hollywood and certainly an inspirational figure for anyone to look up to. But he needs to stop making these rubbish films. He’s a good actor and a great guy, and he deserves more than this. The very second Skyscraper ended, I switched the TV off and immediately forgot almost everything about the film. Not a good sign. Skyscraper scales new heights of shit, and continues to waste The Rock’s talent.

Sam Love

Skyscraper at CeX

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