Here’s a film that doesn’t really warrant reviewing. It’s one of those films with a poster that tell you absolutely everything you need to know about the quality of the film or lack thereof. The poster will tell you if this is something you will love or something you will hate. Take a look at the poster, I’ll wait. First off, we’ve got “from the director of The Fast and The Furious”. For any self-respecting film aficionado, this is a pretty blaring alarm bell. Then we’ve got an image of two trucks driving through a hurricane, with cash flying around in the storm. Then we have the title: The Hurricane Heist. Oh boy. Hardly looks like Citizen Kane, does it? Oh, and the tagline…”On March 9, make it rain”. God, help us all…
But for the target audience – largely, you Fast and Furious fans out there – I’m sure this is a modern masterpiece. Big trucks and bastard weather systems. Sounds like great fun if you’re into that kind of thing. If the title didn’t tell you everything you needed to know about the plot, it’s pretty simple. A bunch of thieves attempt a heist against the U.S. Treasury…as a category 5 hurricane approaches. Not particularly good planning by the thieves, but there you go. At the end of the day, this is clearly attempting to be a fun throwback to the over-the-top action thrillers of the 1980s and 90s. Sylvester Stallone was actually attached to a very similar film in the early 90s called Gale Force, but the film was scrapped in favour of Cliffhanger. Making the film now just feels like it is 20-30 years too late, and without a charismatic big star to distract us from the bonkers plot, it falls apart.
Toby Kebbell, Maggie Grace and Ryan Kwanten are all bloody awful in the film but they’ve not really got much choice with such a piss-poor script to work with. Written by Jeff Dixon and Scott Windhauser, the script is packed with such bizarre non-sequiturs and futile attempts at character development that the film is almost an unintentional comedy at times, reeling off cliché after cliché with almost no attempt at quality. This is just a disastrous film. And it’s no surprise that the film made an estimated loss of $20-25 million. No stars, poor CGI, dreadful acting/writing and some of the most uncomfortably off-putting marketing, this one was doomed from the start. I really had to force myself to watch this and I only did so that I could review it for you lovely people. In a world where I don’t review films, I wouldn’t touch this one with a 39-and-a-half-foot pole (to quote The Grinch). I’ve endured The Hurricane Heist’s 103 minutes so you don’t have to – please, don’t let my journey into cinematic depravity be for nothing. Don’t watch The Hurricane Heist. I need to know that the pain and suffering I went through was to protect you. You can now live in a safe world where The Hurricane Heist can’t hurt you. The Hurricane Heist was exactly the film I expected it to be – and yet, I’m still disappointed.
☆☆☆☆☆
Sam Love
The Hurricane Heist at CeX
