Thursday, 18 July 2019

Godzilla: King of the Monsters ★☆☆☆☆


I believe that when you can't see the pain and anxiety forced upon you but everyone else can, you're in an abusive relationship. If you can see it but no one else can, you're in a cult. Out now is the incredibly disappointing sequel to the awful Godzilla that everyone seems to love and I can't see why. Starring Kyle Chandler, Vera Farmiga, and Millie Bobby Brown, among others Godzilla: King of the Monsters is technically a movie.


Emma Russell is a Paleobiologist which is, just stupid. Her entire career is about finding the in-stasis monsters from the Godzilla universe and poking them with a sonar vibrator that stimulates the giant beast into a zen-like state for a small period of time. For some reason, they think this is a success. It was permanently asleep, and now they have a giant pet they have to keep an eye on. A puppy will eat your slippers when it's grumpy, Ghidorah will eat your university campus. 

Emma, unable to predict what's going to happen, brings her young daughter Madison, within an inch of death which gets them both kidnapped by some bad guys called BLAND, BEIGE, AND STUPID INC... or something. On the other side of the coin and world, Madison's father is dying to kill every one of the monsters. Unless it doesn't serve the plot, then he suddenly acts like he can read their minds and loves them all. The personification of Godzilla and all the other Zillas is cringeworthy and dumb! Every. Single. Time. 

The amount of time people put each other in extreme danger in this film for absolutely no reason is astonishing. Obviously, I'm not gonna nitpick my way through the script for bad dialogue in a monster movie, but if I was going to nitpick my way through the script for bad dialogue in a monster movie, it would look a little something like this: 

Man: We can't go in there, we are going to die!
Woman: Well what should we do?
Man 2: I'll go in.
Woman: Ok.

Sure it's paraphrased and edited for spoilers, and it's a monster movie so I get it, it's about Monsters fighting. Is it though? Is it really about that? Here's the biggest issue I have with Godzilla: King of the monsters. The amount of time dedicated to people wanking on about whatever nonsense they can think of like someone was handed a finished game of Words With Friends and mistook it for the script is so much more than the time dedicated to the titular character. The amount of Monster Fights in this movie about Monsters Fighting is next to 0. These motherfuckers need to watch some anime.


We can care about the humans and the monsters by inverting the screen time allotted to both. Or if you make the script anything other than absolute dog shit, maybe we'll care about the people. I know that it's difficult to write a script that's why I angrily rant about movies here instead, but even I know that you can't just jump from one emotion to the next at increasing levels of intensity without any stimulus unless every cast member is Nicholas Cage. Avoid this nonsense. (I was gonna say Monster Failure, but it doesn't even deserve a pun that bad) 

★☆☆☆☆
David Roberts



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