Friday 29 November 2019

47 Metres Down: Uncaged ★☆☆☆☆

Poor sharks. They get so much shit from Hollywood. Ever since 1975’s Jaws, they’ve always been the bad guy, just for eating people who swim in their waters. It’s not fair. 47 Metres Down: Uncaged, the latest in a long line of anti-shark propaganda, follows a group of girls who scuba dive to a sunken Mayan city, only to be trapped by a group of sharks that are swimming in it. The sharks were probably just happily minding their own business going to have a look at the Mayan city too – and then people got all up in their shit. #teamshark

Anyway, this sequel to 2017’s 47 Metres Down has absolutely no narrative connection to the surprise hit the first film, and instead just feels like a desperate cash-grabbing slice of shark action. The film stars Sophie Nelisse as Mia, an American girl who has moved to Mexico with her undersea explorer father and his new wife. One thing leads to another – I’m not going to go through the nonsensical plot points because we’ve all got better things to do than waste any more time than we have to on 47 Metres Down: Uncaged – and Mia and her friends embark on a journey down to a submerged Mayan city. Of course, they become trapped in the city’s entry point when the entrance comes crashing down and traps them with a blind shark (having spent so long underwater without sunlight) whose other senses are heightened as a result.

And so begins yet another movie of human vs shark, and my goodness, I am so absolutely bored of these films. As always, the human characters are paper-thin and devoid of any depth or personality so when they are underwater in their scuba gear, they are near impossible to differentiate between. Not that it really matters. We’re not here to learn about the characters, we’re here to watch them get fucked up by a toothy boi.

This is a totally empty film with nonsensical character motives and plot points, and the most underwhelming scares you’ve seen in a long time. Not only that, but the film’s visuals – being set almost entirely underwater – are dark and murky and just uncomfortable to watch, making for a viewing experience that is actually difficult as well as just bloody boring. I have got absolutely nothing of value to say about 47 Metres Down: Uncaged. I’ve got no witty observations, no interesting analysis. There’s just absolutely nothing here to discuss. Although I do feel bad for the sharks here. Like I alluded to in my intro, this shark racism in Hollywood is getting really tedious now – poor toothy bois just minding their own business. A toothy boi’s gotta eat, you know.

Anyway, 47 Metres Down: Uncaged feels like straight-to-DVD SyFy channel garbage and I have absolutely no idea why it has been given a theatrical release, let alone been made in the first place. It’s every bit as boring, predictable and devoid of character development as you can probably imagine for a film of this genre and premise, so there are no real surprises here. If you want a trashy night in with one of 2019’s worst then you might have a good time with 47 Metres Down: Uncaged. If you watch it for literally any other reason, you will be disappointed.

Sam Love

47 Metres Down at CeX

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